What To Expect:The Moment When You Realize You Aren't A Kid

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Found at WeHeartIt.com

Frankly, I never thought it would happen.

At least not this early.

I was always positive it would hit like a bullet in the back when I got my first traffic violation ticket, or when I paid rent for the first time (since I'm perpetually in college, rent isn't an issue....yet). Perhaps, I was waiting for menopause to be my marker of change. Physically, you have to grow up. By 22, I've accepted that as fact.

Either way, growing up is something I knew happened....I just didn't know it would happen to me.

But, this fact hit me square between the shoulders this past weekend.

I wasn't even looking. Maturity snuck up on me with all the lithe wisdom of its years.It hit hard and fast with all the pain and dread of a bullet. I never saw it coming and I never had a chance.

This past weekend I was in a bus with a large amount of youngsters aged 7 through 15 for a VERY long time. Armed only with a book and an iPod, I popped a squat in the coveted back of the bus. I slept for the first hour, Florence belted out "Sweet Nothing" approximately 48 times and my snores kept in time with the bass.

It was a good time.

A good time, UNTIL I was accosted by a wafting wave of hot fries. It was as if, the spicy repugnant aroma of the fries had replaced all the oxygen on the bus. I promise you, a thin veil of artificial red powder covered everything. Following this unpleasant move towards consciousness, I became privy to a conversation between the youngsters. I'd just like to say that for an adult, I send a great deal of my time concerned about things that are considered juvenile. I listen to angsty music surely geared towards someone going through their first break up, I have recently kissed a picture of Niall Horan from One Direction...the list goes on. But, at the moment in the bus...listening to their chatter, trying to get the stench of powdered hot sauce out of my hair, I realized I am an adult. Or at least adult enough to know that I've passed that particular stage in my life.

The weird thing about moving forward is that it happens without acknowledging itself. One day, you look back and see all the obstacles you've climbed over and the personal growth you've achieved without even remembering that you made all that happen by yourself.

Growing as a person is an occasion to celebrate, but there is still some nostalgia for 16 year old Amanda. Some longing for how small my life was back then. But mostly, I want to shake that girl. Tell her how awesome it all gets, how well dressed, strong, confident, and independent she becomes.

I don't know what to expect when it comes to getting older. I suppose this was the first step in learning that.

What To Expect: Leave All Your Love and Your Longing Behind (aka Be About That Life)

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Anyone that knows me knows that I love Florence and the Machine. I listen to Florence in the car, in the kitchen, doing the dishes, scrubbing away in the tub, doing my hair.... basically, that ginger singing queen runs my life. Her music sneaks past the layers of dermis and seep comfortably in my bones. Her voice reverberates in me, her words seem more personal every time I hear them. The lyrics to "The Dog Days Are Over" always get me though.  Right after the explosive chorus, Florence croons, 

"Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father. Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers. Leave all your love and your longing behind. You can't carry it with you if you want to survive."

Newly matriculated from undergrad, with my feet on the edge of the graduate school pool, the idea of "Running Fast" has a whole new meaning. We all feel a sense of responsibility. That diploma acts as a pair of wings and a weight. I can't shake the feeling that I owe success to the world (and apparently neither can the government...HELLO gainful employment) and I don't know if I want to. 

We all know the story of the "Come Up" a la The Jeffersons. You want that deluxe apartment in the sky? Well, it doesn't come easy. George and Louise Jefferson didn't just decide to get their piece of the pie and it happened after cocktails. Before they were able to get to that point, friends and family before them struggled to them the best possible, in the hopes that George and Louise could do even better than they did. 

My entire life I have seen my parents work tirelessly to give my brother and I everything we needed to be successful. I cannot even count the amount of times I dragged my father to the library in search of a book our school media center didn't supply. Graduating college was about the work I'd put in, but even more it seemed to be about the work my parents put in. My parents' faces were the intangible push that made me write that paper at 5 am and still go to class. 

Running fast is important because the journey isn't always about you. 

Before you start that sprint to the finish line, there is a problem with idea of "run fast". Just because you aren't the only one feeling  repercussions of the metaphorical journey, doesn't mean you aren't the Beyonce of your life's Destiny's Child. The hard work that peoplehave invested in you, doesn't dictate where or even how fast you run (am I taking this analogy too far?) Right at the beginning of the song, Florence sings

"Happiness hit her like a bullet in the back"

Happiness is the end goal. No matter how much running you do, if happiness isn't the gold at the end of the rainbow then you've wasted your time and your good Nikes. A feeling of responsibility is healthy. It keeps you moving forward. It helps bind up some of the rampart selfishness that characterizes your 20s. But, responsibility should be used responsibly. Sleep on some of those gigantic life decisions that you aren't so sure of. Take your parent's push toward a doctorate with a grain of selfish salt. Move forward knowing who you owe your life too, but making every effort to make it your life.

Here is an epic live performance from Flo, crooning words we know and love.

WHAT TO EXPECT: Will Weight Loss Make My Twenties Better?

4 Weeks Post Graduation

A lot of people have opinions on their twenties. Lots of them . On Tumblr via text posts, video, bullet lists, and #NoFilter snapshots. I know exactly what you think of your twenties, my twenties, my mother's twenties thirty years ago,and  being twenty in the 1920s. And trust as I hit the big 2-0, I've gobbled it all up. 

My teens were a disaster. I mean between the chunky black platforms that made my legs stockier (and in no way channeled the fierce Buffy the Vampire Slayer hotness I was going for), oversized clothes, low self esteem, crushes on boys who were either gay or douchebags....my teenage years struggle was real. 

But the twenties represent a new decade right?

A new space to get right all the things I got wrong before. So I bookmarked the "How To Be Twenty" posts and set down the path to being better than I was in the last decade of my life. Weird teenage Amanda would be proud, and all the people I wanted to be in high school would see my life on Facebook and know that I was the awesome, intelligent Michelle Obama-esque woman that got away.

a.k.a The Ultimate Revenge.

Weirdly, the one common denominator in all of these posts was a call to lose weight. Bloggers, who sounded weirdly like my mother, implored me to shed the pounds before it was too late. 

Let me tell you, I've been a solid thirty pounds over my recommended weight since Britney and Justin broke up. In my teens, it killed me. I felt separated from my skinnier peers and everything I felt their skinniness gave them: boyfriends, perpetually cute clothes, everything in the world. But, here in my twenties I've mucked through the evil clouds of self-doubt to actually enjoy my profoundly rotund hips and behind. I want to enjoy my twenties in way that was impossible for me to enjoy my teenage years. I don't want to be weighed down by another deadline. Weight loss can potentially improve my twenties but, seeking happiness in my self and the world around me will.

Hey, if I lose a couple inches around the waist during that search and capture Michael Fassbender and a phD in the process...I'll be totally find with that.