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| Image retrieved from Weheartit.com |
Facebook is where I go to feel sorry for myself.
(I know that is a horrifyingly depressing first line, but it gets better I promise.)
Facebook is where the never-quite-healed feels of high school, come out to play with my newly cultivated post grad Grown-And-Sexy persona.
The hardest part of being home for the summer is the feeling that I'm living out my Facebook newsfeed in real time and 3D.
It's disconcerting...to say the least.
Isn't there supposed to be a moment when you are over all that crazy teenage angst and self-esteem stuff? Where is my Ferris Bueller dancing in the parade moment? My John Hughes crafted homage to freedom from the hegemonic power structures intent on my oppression and obliteration?
All of it really begs the question, who am I living//being for? My current self or the girl in high school, who didn't even think that person I am now could exist?
Can I tell you I'm not sure I have an answer?
Can I say that and we move on over a cold beer and hummus?
One possible answer is that those two people are one and the same. My current Grown-And-Sexy wouldn't be half the woman she currently is without the acute misery(this is NOT hyperbolic language unfortunately) that her high school self felt.
One answer posits my current Grown-And-Sexy owes something not only to that weird girl, but also to herself. She owes it to both of those chicas to be the best version of herself possible.
As I move forward, I am beginning to look at life as something that has to be done aggressively with lots of verbs. Not just any verbs, but good ones like run, jump, write, smile, do. The biggest thing about using the aforementioned "good" verbs to describe my life is the realization that in order to move forward I have officially let go of the perpetual hater in my head that dwells on things and insecurities Grown-and-Sexy Amanda declared nonsense years ago.
What to Expect Rule #1
Looking back is the quickest way to foil all of your plans of moving forward.
